Q: I have been married for five years and everything is going well with my wife besides physical intimacy. Our passion has died and since a few years, I have been visiting sex workers to fulfil my physical needs. I feel guilty when I do it, but I simply cannot do it with my wife anymore. Often, I feel like we should just get divorced but I am too afraid of losing her. Please advise.
Ans: Asexual marriages and asexual long-term relationships are very common. Outsourcing physical needs to sex workers is even more common. If you don’t want to lose your wife, give it one last try. Don’t focus on what has killed the passion but find out what made it alive and thrilling back then.
Was it you guys living separately? Was it something in particular that she or you said or did that fired you up? Was it the way you or her dressed and charmed? Or was it the novelty of each other? Try once again by really looking at what turned you on and recreate it once more, no matter what it is. Do it together as a project and map down all the elements that used to arouse both of you.
Maybe you can move out for a short period, give yourself some space or revamp your wardrobe. There are many ways of bringing the passion back we just need to be able to talk about them and not judge ourselves and our partners. If you are really bored of each other, play with fantasies and role play. Imagining and speaking about scenarios with other people can really work wonders in bed, if you are both into it.
Also, pin down what you enjoy about your paid encounters. Is the power dynamic, the anonymity, the novelty? You can role play all these emotions with your wife too. You should seek professional help if you feel that your wife will not respond well to your ideas. It’s often easier to discuss sex and plan out communication strategies with an outsider.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)Candid Corner: No offline meetings, please!
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