Q: I have been in a relationship for a year, and I feel it’s time to take things ahead. My partner doesn’t feel the same and wants to take it slow. How long should I wait? I am 31 and ideally would want to have kids of my own.
Ans: Don’t wait if you are with someone who wants to take it slow. Your waiting will put them under pressure, and they will either end up doing something they don’t want, and resent it later, or disappear from your life completely.
Waiting will also make you resentful towards them if you already have an established timeline in your head. Reflect a moment on what this timeline is based on. What is more important to you, being with your partner, having a child, or just a sense of accomplishing goals that society has set for your life stage? If the latter is more important, you should really look for someone with the same set of goals, values, and timelines. It will save you from additional conflict in the relationship.
If you feel that you have really met ‘the one’, maybe it’s worth rethinking your life stage goals. Society is evolving and life stages are too. Getting married, having kids, retiring, etc. have moved ahead in our lifespans and they will keep on doing so.
People used to have kids in their teens but now this is looked down upon. In 10 years, people will make fun of parents who had children in their thirties. Do you want to keep up with the generational trends that will become passe’ anyways or hold true to your feelings? You will be able to have children later in life, especially with the medical support we have today. Maybe it’s time to adjust your ideas and expectations of a fixed timeline and evaluating what matters to you and not society.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)
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