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Candid Corner: Falling for wrong ones

07:00 AM Oct 22, 2021 |

Q: I keep on attracting the wrong people. We get along for a couple of months and then I realise I cannot trust them or that there is something wrong. Why can’t I see the signs before, when I meet them? This has become very tiring and has put me off dating completely. What should I do?

Ans: The signs you see are not those of compatibility and durability but the ones of emotional arousal. For things to last more than two months, you need to train yourself to read all signs and not just those of high attraction. When you meet someone, your brain runs a series of complex calculations within a matter of seconds. Your brain recognizes through the help of your senses that this person is going to make you high on familiar hormones, the stimulants of your nervous system.

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If you have been brought up in an environment where stress hormones were the norm, you will be by default attracted to someone who signals the same chemical messengers to you today. You will also be attracted to people who will make you re-experience some familiar emotions. Did anyone break your trust when you were growing up? Were the relationships with your caregivers or siblings exhausting? Your brain and nervous system will direct you to a similar type of relationship.

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And all this is done without you realising, because your logical part of the brain switches off under the influence of this chemical cocktail. How to switch the logical part back on and read all the signs? Listen to the cues your nervous system is giving you. Do you feel calm with the person you have met? Fast heartbeat and breathlessness are romantic but not always a sign of longevity. Are you afraid of saying the wrong things or talking about feelings? Any relationship based on fear or shame will be harmful in the long run.

Pay attention to knots in the stomach, teeth clenching, restlessness because they do become unbearable after a few meetings. Many people with unresolved childhood issues feel attraction more intensely and much more often. You might want to address this with a professional if it is a repetitive pattern.

The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

Also Read: Candid Corner: Intimacy woes or lousy boyfriend?

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