Q: I have been married for six years and since the past three years, I cannot be physical with my wife unless I fantasize about other things. A lot of my fantasies come from movies and my wife is very different from the women in those movies. I also enjoy things she doesn’t and therefore I have to close my eyes and imagine them without her. I feel guilty about all this. Is there something wrong with me?
Ans: Do you feel guilty about not being attracted to your wife or about replacing her in your fantasies with someone else, or both? Most of us lose attraction towards our partners after a few years of marriage and many of us actually act upon those fantasies, start having affairs, pay for sex and even divorce. You should be proud of having figured a strategy for keeping your wife happy, not involving other people and having sex the way you want instead of feeling guilty.
You can also take a further step and make your wife part of those fantasies. Find out what turns you on about these women and the fantasies you have. Even at the core of a completely physical turn on there is a feeling you trying to achieve. Are the women that turn you on busty, skinny, or is it the expressions they make that gets you going? Often when watching movies, we look for facial expressions, gestures and narratives.
We get excited by what these convey because our desires connect to them more than what actors look like. With respect to physical appeal and general aesthetics, we all have our preferences and even those hold meaning. I am sure there are many types of women available on screen, but you prefer a certain type. Once you figure what turns you on from these screen performances and personas, you can work with your wife and a professional to come up with strategies on how to replicate the feelings you are looking for.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)Candid Corner: How not to get ghosted
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