Q: I have been seeing a married man for about two years. He says he is separating from his wife and doesn’t have feelings for her but I know they are regularly in touch. I see the calls and messages. I have never been to his house and I suspect he still lives with her. I love him but these thoughts of him lying and us not having a future together are taunting me.
Ans: He is not only yours and probably will never be. Is monogamy an essential condition in the way you see your future relationship? Or would you be happy officially sharing him with another woman? Sharing him might not mean that you will be loved less. Contrary to many people’s belief, love is not a finite resource. Your man could be in love with you both but is afraid to tell you. Maybe things could stay as they are.
You have been doing this until now so why not carry on? If his lying is taunting you, confront him. Not with accusations but with a clear idea of what you would like this relationship to look like. Define if you would like to live together, or if you just want to spend more time but live separately. Assess if you feel comfortable in a non-monogamous relationship. He is not leaving his wife but might want to be with you as well.
Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to see other partners too. From his side the relationship is already unethically open, make it ethically so. It’s your chance to explore polyamory and help him address all the insecurities that are making him lie to you. Him lying about the relationship with his wife is sad but perhaps he is not very good at expressing what he wants and he is afraid of upsetting you.
Whatever you decide to do, establish what matters to you first and how much you are willing to compromise. You will feel much more in control of your future if you have a good sense of what you would like to see in it.
The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on email@example.com)
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