Q: My boyfriend told me I am bad in bed. He says I am stiff and not fun to be with physically. He made me watch some movies to learn, but I don’t really feel like doing the stuff I saw. I don’t want to lose him because of this. Please help.
Ans: Clearly, your boyfriend is bad in bed too. No skilled person will criticise their partner in such a vulnerable moment. Bed veterans know that criticism will only have the opposite effect: make one feel ashamed, uncomfortable, and disconnected. Showing porn is also a very limited way of displaying what is on the intimacy menu. It’s as good as watching a clip of a Bruce Lee movie and saying this is what all movies look like, even dramas, romance, sci-fi, etc.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend doesn’t know how to express his intimacy needs, so you can’t really expect him to guide you either. Why don’t you take the lead instead? A good place to start for both is to understand what turns you on. Begin with self-pleasure. What sensations and body parts feel good besides genitals? Erotic zones are spread across your body. Discover them. What thoughts, storylines and scenes arouse you?
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Romantic dates, sudden passionate moments, taboo locations, or people are some common turn-ons. Find out your unique ones. What type of touch do you enjoy? All of us have a preference for a distinct touch: feather touch, firm hold, pushing/pulling or even spanking. Notice yours.
What do you want to hear when you are aroused? That you are sexy, or that you are loved? That you have a great butt or that you are so good at doing what you do? That you will be loved forever or that you make your partner really turned on?
Learn what words and sentences excite you even more. After you uncover all this, help your boyfriend too. And remember that all of this can be done through your imagination, with fantasising. No need for porn, no need for a boyfriend.
The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on email@example.com)
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