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Candid Corner: Playing both sides

07:00 AM Nov 27, 2021 |

I have recently discovered that I might be polyamorous. I have been having fantasies that included multiple partners for years but now I am actually dating two guys and have feelings for both. They kind of know that I am seeing both, but I am not sure how to deal with this new situation.

Ans: Draft a polyamory agreement for both and start working on your time management, communication, and emotional regulation skills. Two partners means emotions, sex, and couple activities multiplied by two. Firstly decide if one partner will have priority over the other and the type of consensual non-monogamy you would like to practice.

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Do you have enough time to see both? If yes, how will you divide it taking into account everybody’s needs? Be as meticulous as possible and have fixed days of the week, or times of the day, for each. Plan holidays together in advance and have POA for emotional and physical emergencies. If you feel you don’t have enough time for both, perhaps one could become a 'sex-only' based relationship where you meet once in a while to be exclusively physical.

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Ensure that all the people involved are okay with this. Do you, and they, have high emotional capacity? Not just to give love in the good times but also to support in the bad ones. Good emotional regulation and the ability to cope with negative emotions is a must to have fulfilling poly relationships. Not because these relationships increase negative emotions but because you will be dealing with standard negative emotions of more people. As cliché as it may sound, frequent, open, and honest communication coupled with empathy is key to unlocking the doors of a happy polyamorous set-up. Many courses online and offline to learn it. Whatever ethical non-monogamy you decide to go for, being in sexual and amorous relationships with multiple partners will magnify your self-awareness. Remember, any form of ‘coming out’ is an awakening experience filled with many opportunities for growth. 

The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

Also Read: Candid Corner: To marry or not to marry... is the question!

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