Q: My boyfriend is cheating on me with a friend. I am more attracted to him since I found out and want to really ask him what happens when they are together. Sometimes I fantasize about all three of us being in the same scene, but I am too ashamed to tell my boyfriend this. Please help.
Ans: Congratulations, you have discovered your cuckolding and threesome fantasies! Both are very common desires for men, but women have them too. Threesomes are in fact the most popular fantasy for all gender identities. Culturally we idealize monogamy but many erotic scenes with more than two involved are a major turn on.
In most likelihood, the fantasies that you are so ashamed of are your boyfriend’s fantasies too. Often the idea excites us because it is perceived as forbidden but, it is also arousing because it speaks to a set of core desires we carry from early life. It is important for you to understand where your desires come from to not feel ashamed.
Are there any desires you were more tuned in with when growing up? Or were there any moments of arousal that resonate with the feelings you currently have for your boyfriend? You might have desired to be free from the emotional burden of a needy caretaker, or to be in control of situations that were unpredictable. Compersion is also something people often mention when they enjoy seeing their lovers getting pleasure from someone else.
Do you want to just watch this friend giving pleasure to him or participate like in a team? Be proud of your sexual fantasies, they are expressions of how you want to feel. Find out what exactly turns you on because that will make the experience much better, if you decide to go ahead with it. If you are still not sure, start hearing stories about your boyfriend being physical with other girls to test the waters before getting into real-life encounters.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)Candid Corner: Wife’s menopause and husband’s woes
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