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Candid Corner: Three's not a crowd!

11:44 AM Sep 20, 2021 |

Q. I am in a relationship with two men. Both know about each other, but both want to be my primary instead of accepting that I love them equally. One gifted me a ring, and the other got competitive and bought me another one. This has put a lot of pressure on me, and I feel stuck. Sometimes I feel like breaking up with both. Please help.

You are doing well for yourself. There must be so many people enviously reading this. Pressure is a sign that you feel responsible for the situation. Why worry so much about them and their competition if you have stated how you feel about both and set your boundaries. It is up to them to hear and accept what you are expressing. Maybe both experience fear of abandonment and rejection that they have carried on from childhood events. Many pathologically jealous people do, but if your men have agreed to a non-monogamous relationship, that might not be the case. Often feelings of not being good enough, not being loved, and inadequacy exist in non-monogamous arrangements too, so perhaps the competition is not about you but more about insecurities these two men have already.

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They could be comparing themselves and noticing inequalities of wealth, physical strength, perceived masculinity, etc. If you are curious and feel capable of not falling into a responsibility trip, find out what they are insecure about. Ask both why they think you would choose the other as primary. This might trigger them, and you will have to reassure them with a lot of appreciation and care.

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Finding out why they are insecure and accepting their vulnerability will create stronger bonds between you and them. You can only hold space for their lack of confidence and reiterate why you love and care for them. Breaking up is not really a solution because if you are in this situation, it means you are trying to solve an internal conflict of your own. You will most likely be confronted with a very similar situation as soon as you are out of this one. Address this one first.

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