I am shy and sexually inexpressive with my husband but desire sex too. I was raised in an orthodox family where talking of sex was taboo. My husband works late into the night as he brings his work home. I keep telling my husband that I am afraid of sleeping alone in the dark but can never openly express my need for sex.
Because of this he doesn’t really know how I feel and we hardly engage in intimacy. He asked me to see a counsellor to overcome my ‘fear of darkness’. How should I overcome my shyness and express myself?
To be raised a certain way and to rise above the way one was raised are two distinctly different phenomenons. The first phenomenon (being raised) requires you to do nothing. You were born in a certain household. This is true. You didn’t ask for it. This is also true.
Your gender or the roles assigned to you were in no way part of any grand plan. Therefore, you get to decide who you are and where you want to be in your life both physically and emotionally. Nobody gets to control your destiny. You occurred as the result of a biological inevitability.
There are no miracles when it comes to science and there are certainly no miracles when it comes to upbringing. People (caretakers and families) pass on ideas and morals that were perhaps originally passed on to them by certain elders in their house.
This is how culture is transmitted. Lessons and storytelling becomes templated as we rehearse the things we’ve been shown and asked to do by our primary caretakers. Therefore, what you do now with your husband needs to be decidedly de-linked from any orthodox upbringing caveats that are impeding your ability to talk to your husband clearly.
The second phenomenon (rising above your circumstances) requires you to think hard on what you’re keen to accomplish for yourself and the relationships you’re invested in. This will require some effort on your part. Set those goals. Write them down it if helps.
Your orthodox family (as you describe it) have passed on to you a certain belief based or behavioural template. It has held you well perhaps for certain situations and there’s no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater but having said that, belief systems need to be adapted to meet a vast array of changing situations.
You’re going to need to revisit these beliefs for a much needed (emotional firmware update) if you’d like to keep with the times and share an open, honest, loving and communicative relationship with your husband. Do not judge yourself for the way you are.
People don’t judge their technology when it gets old. They simply update the software or get a new piece of tech that can keep up with their changing requirements. Your needs are unknown to your husband because you’re expressed them clearly and expressly.
Men and women think very differently. His busyness has very little to do with the Intimate relationships that you would like to share with him. All relationships deserve and require clarity and that can only be made possible if you communicate without watering down the content or being cryptic.
The moment partners begin to think of their loved one as intuitive mind readers, the problems begin and usually escalate in ugly and unpredictable ways. No two human beings can want the same things or think alike. That’s just how it is.
Once the fog of hesitation evaporates, you will find that words are powerful indicator of what is required and desired. Use them with great care accordingly. Just like all choices, your shyness too is a choice you’ve made for yourself. This means that it is a choice you’re going to have to unmake for yourself.
To want to have sex is normal and natural. It will bond the relationship beautifully. Sit down with your husband and ask him for his undivided attention as you discuss this matter with him as honestly as you can. Do not involve other people in this discussion. This is strictly a chat to be had between you and him.